First, describe their behavior by using, "When I hear you say." Then explain the feelings or thoughts it creates: "I feel/think. Starting your sentences with "I" avoids putdowns, judgment and blame, which are key to keeping your composure. Leila Bulling Towne, The Bulling Towne Group, LLC This helps build skills for future discussions. He/she can give you feedback on what you say and how you say it. Write down what you want to say and be clear on the goal of the conversation: What do you want someone to leave with as an "a-ha" or action item? Then, role play with a trusted peer. Most people hate to role play, yet it is an effective way to prepare for and practice tough conversations. Bill Gardner, Noetic Outcomes Consulting, LLC Use, "When you do X, it causes me to think you are Y." Plan before and maybe even practice so you keep your composure. Ask, "What is the evidence for my inference?" and confront on that behavior. Confronting using inferences like "irresponsible," or "not a team player," causes defensiveness and makes success less likely. Hollaway, The Official Maleeka Group, LLC.Ĭonfront behavior, not your assessment of their behavior. Remember that your reputation will precede you, so communicate clearly and professionally.
Have good intentions in your confrontation. If you go into a conversation expecting an issue, that's what you're going to get. Frances McIntosh, Intentional Coaching LLCīefore reaching out to the person who needs confronting, make sure you are not the one in the wrong. It's a two-way conversation and not a personal attack. Show interest in their feedback first, around the topic by asking, "What are you doing well?" "What are you not doing well?" "What do you need to work on?" "What do you need to change?" Then give your feedback with the same questions. One of our basic needs is to be seen and cared for. Wanting the best for the other person is a good place to start. Is it more difficult having the conversation or keeping the status quo? You have the status quo now, so why bother? When you can answer that question for yourself, you may find the conversation is not as difficult as you fear. If you need to have a conversation that is difficult for you, start with asking yourself why you really need to have the conversation.
What would they say and how would they say it? - Gina Gomez, Gina Gomez, Business & Life Coachįorbes Coaches Council is an invitation-only community for leading business and career coaches. With respect to approach, put yourself in the other person's shoes and think about how you'd want someone to approach you. It will help avoid repeating an unwanted pattern. Next, identify and take responsibility for your part in the situation. Next, write out what happened and be sure to keep it factual.
If your intent is potentially hurtful to the other person, how can you look at this conversation differently? Ask yourself, how can this conversation create value for me, for the other person, and for the organization? - Lianne Lyne, PLP Coaching, LLCįirst, get clear on your intention/desired outcome. Examine what your true intent to having this meeting is. Gia Ganesh, Gia Ganesh CoachingĬonfrontation suggests meeting someone face-to-face with hostile intent. What factors could be driving them to act/say/do things the way they are doing? Why would you consider your stance to be the right one if you were them? What is the other person looking to get out of the situation? Knowing these viewpoints will help you create a win-win situation and deliver the message in a calm manner. Step into the other person's shoes to see where they come from.
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